If I'm Not Laughing, Then You're Not Funny

As an employee in a retail store, I've endured the constant torture of hearing the same repetitive, overused jokes from everyone who shops there. It's about damn time someone stood up and said, "no more." I'm sick of hearing the same stupid jokes from all of the smelly old men and hobos who shop at my store. I wish I could give you a better understanding of these comic atrocities without providing actual examples (and soon, so will you), but I can't think of anything stupid enough to merit a comparison.

  • "It's alright, I just printed that..."
    This always follows whenever I mark a bill with the Iodine pen. So, you just printed this, did you? If you have so much damn talent that you can defeat our current counterfeit detection methods, how about you get a fucking job and stop shopping at a store known for being cheap? Because several years of imprisonment are worth not having the alternative, a well-paying government job, right?
  • "If it won't scan, it must be free!"
    I can't even force a laugh to be polite at this one anymore. It's like they're trying to see how much they can piss me off in an already frustrating situation. Well congratulations, you win. Here's your prize: one free bowel removal, courtesy of Dollar General! Look on the bright side, you probably won't be so full of shit without the bowels to store it in.
  • "Why do they call this place the 'dollar store' if this item isn't a dollar?"
    This one makes me dread doing price checks for people. Who calls it a dollar store? The dumbasses who never shop there and half-assedly glance at the name of the store. It's Dollar General. It's not a dollar store, it's a fucking general store. The prices are generally a dollar and you generally raise my blood pressure to 190 over 120.
  • "That was a good year."
    Theorem: If the total of a transaction is greater than nineteen dollars and less than twenty dollars, the asshole customers will inevitably say this trying to be funny and fail miserably. This isn't a wine-tasting tour, you alcoholic hobo. We don't give a shit what you were doing X amount of years ago. Take your change, get the hell out, and kick the fucking bucket already you fossilized parasite to society!
  • Working hard or hardly working?
    You'll be hardly breathing in a few seconds.
  • "...out of a hundred..."
    You just handed me a five dollar bill, dipshit. I think that a precalculus student can distinguish a five dollar bill from a hundred dollar bill. I think that we can also read, which your job occupation indicates you clearly can't. You're a complete and utter failure.
    They just don't pay me, or any one else for that matter, enough money to deal with this bullshit on a daily basis. I'm seriously getting an aneurysm just from thinking about this.

    1,210 customers at my store love giving me aneurysms.
    Contact me: kobrasrealm@gmail.com

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