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Everyone who has ever watched the news has heard this story before: Some anti-gay Conservative politician was caught having sex with another man. He passionately denies these "allegations," claims that he is not gay, and ends his political career. Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and so on.
Because these politicians are clueless at best, I have put together a handy little guide to a basic concept-- most preschoolers understand it, in fact-- called pattern recognition.
Pattern recognition can save you a lot of embarrassment. Here's how it works:
- Look at the world around you.
If you're a politician, look at other politicians. If you're a religious leader, look at other religious leaders. But above all, look at people who got caught for the same shit you do behind the watchful eyes of the public.
- Look at yourself.
Notice any similarities in behavior between you and the subjects of these scandals.
That's all there is to it! Pattern recognition is easy; it's the common sense that gets most people: If you have a secret that is equivocal to another politician's secret, and that politician acted a certain way, it's probably not a good idea to act the same way!
If you're one of those anti-gay Conservative politicians who secretly has homosexual relations, the worst thing you could possibly do is passionately decry everything homosexual. You're just drawing attention to yourself.
Look at Elliot Spitzer: A man who was feverishly opposed to all forms of prostitution. What happened to Spitzer? He got busted for being connected to a prostitution ring. Same fucking hypocrisy!
It isn't rocket science, guys.
One last thing: If you're anti-prostitute and get busted for patronizing prostitution, or if you're anti-gay and get caught in bed with a member of the same gender, make the story interesting for everyone who's sick of hearing the same bullshit. Take a page from the Salem Witch Trials and point the finger at anyone and everyone! Shake the whole fucking party up. Make everyone suspect everyone else of soliciting prostitutes, or being gay, or both.
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