Words, Phrases, and Fallacies that Give Me Ulcers

• "I'm offended."

  Would you care to direct my attention to the law that gives you the right to not be offended (as opposed to the right to remove yourself from the source of the offense)? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that no such law exists. Unless one of your nonfictional rights is infringed upon, whining will only serve to piss everyone (but mostly me) off.

• "I have a question."

  You can't sit through a single televised press conference without hearing this phrase at least once. If you didn't have a question, why would you raise your hand to speak? It's not like the person standing at the podium will be caught off-guard if you don't give them a half-second warning. You're wasting our time, asshole!

• "Just your opinion."

  An opinion that is supported by facts and logic is not the same as an opinion pulled fresh from your ass. They're both opinions, sure, but they aren't equally convincing or reasonable. Based on this logic, anyone who uses the phrase, "That's just your opinion!" without intending to convey the absence of facts and/or logic is summarily a dumbass.

• "Why not?"

  A clear indication that another person has nothing meaningful to contribute to a discussion is when they answer a question such as, "Why do you wear that hat?" with "Why not?" That is NOT an answer! "Why not?" is popular in amateur debate rhetoric as a means of shifting the burden of proof without answering the question. In conversation, all it accomplishes is making you look stupid.

• "You have no right to say that."

  Welcome to the age of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights^[1], the U.S. Constitution, and several other legal documents that discredit this assertion.

• "I did not evolve from a monkey!"

  Not mentally, it seems. (Nor did you mature from a child, right?)

• "There are no wrong answers."

  This is an easy one to counter: What is 2 + 2? If you said anything other than 4, you are wrong. Get the fuck back to Elementary School!

• "Personal truth."

  Honest to all the gods I don't believe in: I hate this phrase. Truth means fact, reality; actuality^[2]. There is no room for "personal" anything within the scope of the word "truth." Yet time after time, half-wits use the phrase "personal truth" when describing their beliefs. Even if there is a semblance of truth in a belief, the belief is little more than a convenient delusion unless it accurately reflects the universe. And if it does, then it negates the need for the "personal" qualifier.

  Another empty word used by people with empty skulls.

• "You owe me an apology."

  Correction: I owe you a chainsaw enema.

• "I can't help it!"

  Bullshit. Unless you have a serious medical disorder, you almost certainly CAN help it (whatever "it" may be)-- you just choose not to because it's more convenient to blame your fuck-ups on something else than it is to change your behavior.

• "You must think you're all that!"

  All what? The people who say this NEVER specify what "all that" means. I would expect this phrase to accompany a list of things the other person believes that I think about myself, but this is never the case.