CNN: The Most Rusted Name in News!

Once upon a time, CNN used to be a reputable news source. Then, their producers got greedy (and possibly addicted to meth), so they changed their focus to covering the personal lives of celebrities that rational human beings couldn't give a damn less about if we tried. Between tirades of celebrity bullshit, you might have gotten 20 minutes of news out of 3 hours of having your eyes and your eardrums permanently scarred by their endless droning.

If that wasn't bad enough, CNN has become the world's leading exporter of contrived fear-mongering and reactionary yellow journalism. For example, a man in Illinois finally snapped after years of being ho-hum, calm, and compliant to authority and decided to kill 5 innocent people before inevitably committing suicide like the chicken-shit he is was.

Instead of a two-minute story filled with the crying family members of the victims like you'd expect any decent news show to have, CNN decides to put together a "Special Investigations Report" about the "Criminally Insane;" which would be perfectly fine if they didn't broadcast it on an endless loop for several days in a row.

If any CNN editors are reading this, I want you to pay close attention to what I'm about to say: Hey assholes! When I turn on my TV and switch to a news channel, I expect NEWS!

To clear up any confusion regarding this matter, here is what "news" does not mean:

• Unimportant details about people who nobody in their right mind cares about.
• Interviews with "expert" bloggers regarding the political situation.
• Re-runs of a shoddy documentary about the state of our nation's mental health system.
• A team of analysts (a.k.a. self-righteous assholes) describing off-the-wall ways in which each candidate could win the nomination/election.